Shhh! SVH!

You probably knew that the Sweet Valley High series was re-released a couple years ago and that Diablo Cody is working on bringing it to the big screen. (I'm personally looking forward to seeing Enid all geek chic.) But did you know about Sweet Valley Confidential? It's Jessica and Elizabeth, 10 years later! I think it's only one book, not a new series. It comes out in March, and I previewed the first chapter—not cause I'm a member of Pi Beta Alpha or on the Oracle staff or anything like that; anyone can sign up on the website to read it. However, in case you don't want to, I am happy to share the following tidbits of Elizabeth Wakefield's thoroughly depressing 27-year-old life:

• She has to have THREE locks on the door of her shitty apartment because she lives in New York, where it's like sooo dangerous;
• She orders a PORK CHOP out at a restaurant and brings the leftovers home in a doggie bag;
• Her purse is a Prada knockoff;
• She works for a "throwaway" weekly covering the Off-Broadway scene (not even regular Broadway!) that's so cheap and unknown she has to buy show tickets at the TKTS booth or sneak in during intermission;
• She considers sleeping with her boss, a nice guy with a great body (in the narrator's words). "Right from the start, Elizabeth could tell he was attracted to her. It had probably helped in the hiring, though she had decent credentials, but a little gratitude wouldn't hurt." Well, nothing says "thanks for hiring me for my looks" like a roll in the hay, right, Liz?
• She recently had a "three-week mini affair spread out over two months" (huh?) during which she "cried after every orgasm." For real, that's what it says.
• She listens to Beyonce and Justin Timberlake;
• She sleeps in an oversized Sweet Valley T-shirt but lets people assume she's from LA;
• And Bruce Patman is her best friend!

Also, she's out of ice cubes, and Jessica has done something to hurt her so deeply that she's turned into a sobbing basket-case. Oh, how the mighty fall. I can't decide if I'm dying to read the rest of this or glad I only had to suffer through 15 pages of a sneak peek.